Tart or Twenty-first Century Female?

When a woman has a flirt, a fling or a one night stand what does that make her?

Does it depend on the circumstance? On her own state of mind or how society perceives her? And does it depend on the society she is in and the company she keeps?

I really do not know.  I have pondered over this long and hard and I still can’t provide myself with an answer.

Tart or twenty-first century female?  Easy or empowered?  I’d like to think of myself as the latter, but I can’t get over the fact that I feel like the first.

Dear [insert name] I love you

We’ve all heard of a “Dear John Letter”.  This one is a little different, well, sort of the reverse.   It’s a “Dear [female that has recently broken up with me] I love you letter”.

Yes.  You know the one – the various reasons for loving you are listed, a splash of self deprication is thrown in (but not too much) with a closing flourish of an incomplete existence without you.

It is intended to make you feel like you have made the biggest mistake known to human kind (and may even be accompanied with a gift of some description just to cement the sentiment).  It is more likely, in all actuality, to evoke a laugh (one of those nervous laughs wrapped in a cringe).  It is highly unlikely to send named female running into your arms lamenting her temporary stupidy, thanking you for making her see the error of her ways.

Men – what you need to know is this:

When a woman does not love you, she does not love you.

There is nothing you can do to change this.

The best thing you can do is accept it and move on – you’ll have lost her love but retained her respect.




Epilation Etiquette

What exactly is the correct etiquette for a bikini wax, or, worse still a smear?

For a bikini wax, it’s in the job description that you will be at least a little untidy, but what’s acceptable?  Should you have a quick DIY tidy before you attend?  And worst thought, what if you unexpectedly come on on the day of your pre-arranged, appointment – “sorry, I got my period today.  I have a tampon in, hope that’s ok – just watch you don’t catch the string?!”, or, say nothing, trust their expertise and end up with your therapist getting more than she bargained for on one of her short sharp yanks through the undergrowth – “I know I’ve had three kids, but you must really have used some force there lady!!”?

As for the three yearly smear ritual – what is appropriate?  Wild and unkempt, neat but visible or bald as a coot?  Which is worse – the fact they will think I’m a monkey woman, or some kind of amateur porn star??!

In both cases, a succinct but informative guidance leaflet should be provided upon booking your appointment (perhaps one with pictures and those big angry red crosses and neat little green ticks to display accceptability or otherwise).  It would save the embarrassment – for all involved.

It just fell off on the way up the stairs.

What do you do when you wake up in your girlfriend’s bed completely naked?

oh! and you have been put to bed by your girlfriend’s boyfriend?!

And the story goes that as you were on your way up the stairs your clothes just “fell off”?!

WHAT?! Including my knickers?! – I really don’t think so!!  In fact girls, we know so!!

And you can stop thinking – “I can never get that drunk again”- because you have done nothing wrong.  You are entitled to let your hair down every once in a while and consume enough alcohol to paralyse a pony.  You are allowed to be in one of your best friends houses and let yourself go.  You are allowed to trust the company of those you are with in said best friends house… and not expect to be informed later that you keep yourself very trim “down there” for a “single girl”!

You have done nothing, absolutely nothing, to be ashamed of.  Shame I can’t say the same for him.

Isn’t this an adults only lane?

I’m about as eager as the next person to avoid children on occassions (particulalry my own), but if it is that important to you going swimming in the middle of the day, at an outdoor pool, during school holidays is probably not the best of ideas.  That particular thought pattern had clearly escaped the mind of my fellow “adults lane” swimmer at the pool today. A naive and unmalicious child ventured into the hallowed lane.  She must have been there for all of about 20 seconds (and in my swim path, I might add) before the wannabe Addlington had snapped at the life- guard. ” isn’t this lane supposed to be adults only”? and flicked her reptilian head in the direction of her prey.  When he agreed she redirected the killer snap (intended for the child) at  his head saying, “she’s been in here at least five minutes and you’ve done nothing!”,  filled her lungs with unnecessary air and undeserved pride and swam off.   Why would a simple smile, explanation and, perhaps even, an offer of assistance to the offending child have been so less palatable? I hadn’t realised that being an adult meant you had to be devoid of any ability to communicate with kids. If I was the offended child, I wouldn’t be in any rush to grow up and earn my place in the lane – not if it meant I turned out a cold-hearted old trout!!